P.S: All resemblance to any actual life character,is well... Almost apologized.
Nigeria is a great country and I am not being sarcastic!
Don’t speak English like an Ibadan man. Speak
with the kind of phonetics that even your mother
will wonder where you were born.
There are an estimated 170 million Nigerians.
The overwhelming proportion of these will live
and die unknown and unsung. Airports will not
be named after them. Neither will universities be
established in their honour. A hundred years
from now, people will not even remember they
ever existed, except that they might have some
children and grandchildren hanging around.
Surely, you don’t want that to happen to you.
You want to be known. You want to be rich. You
want to be a man or woman of timber and
caliber. There are peculiarly Nigerian ways to
achieve this. The formulas have been firmly
established by our good-for-nothing politicians
and businessmen. But don’t worry; they don’t
own the copyright to them, so you are free to
follow their vainglorious footsteps.
Don’t waste your time going to school. Don’t
waste time trying to develop a cure for cancer.
Nigerians are not known for such endeavours,
and we don’t appreciate those who waste their
lives ensuring we have a better future. We are
only interested in those who are committed to
today.
If you want to be a big man or woman; if you
want to be well-known and highly-regarded in
Nigeria, there are a few easy steps you need to
take. Here are some suggestions that are bound
to ensure that you will soon become the talk of
the town.
1.Steal public funds
Nigerians love thieves. We have a lot of respect
for them. Thieves are the men and women of
the people. Thieves are deemed to be people of
courage and strategic thinking. In a nation of the
poor, people are concerned that their kith and
kin should be represented in the tabernacles of
the looters. Otherwise, we feel short-changed.
Therefore, the man who wants to be highly-
esteemed knows his thievery will elicit wide
support and appreciation among his people.
If you ever get access to public funds, don’t
make the mistake of stealing millions of naira.
Steal billions. Remember, you might not get a
second chance. It is turn-by-turn Nigeria Limited.
Commit a tithe of your stolen loot to public
largesse and you are in for the good. Use a
fraction of it to build a monument for yourself in
your village and bring the press to the unveiling.
Steal billions then spend a few thousands
sending three children in your community to
school. In no time at all, you will become a
superstar. Friends will donate their daughters for
you to marry. Streets will be named after you
long before you die. You will be invited to seat
on the high table at public functions.
Display your wealth. Nigerians have a simple
demand: “Show us the money.” Therefore, show
off the money. Don’t buy a Mercedes Benz.
Every Tom, Dick and Harry now drives that. Drive
cars that are outrageously expensive and
unusual. Make sure they are bullet-proof; not
because anybody will shoot at you, but because
bullet-proof cars are more highly-regarded. Buy
a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or an Aston Martin. Let
it be in a flashy colour. Then cruise every now
and then in the Lagos traffic jam.
Get a good PR firm. Give them a simple agenda:
to make you famous. Make sure you are at any
and every happening event in Nigeria. Hang out
with celebrities. With brown-envelopes given to
strategically-placed journalists, you can ensure
you are always in the news. Make sure you are a
regular feature in the Ovation and style pictorial
magazines.
If you are caught by EFCC and brought to trial,
buy “aso-ebi” for your supporters’ club. Bring
them to court with you so they can sing your
praise-songs. Write a cheque and give it to the
judge. The case will be promptly thrown out on
the grounds of a technicality.
Run for president of the country
If you want to be highly esteemed in Nigeria,
you need to run for high office. Don’t waste time
focusing on being a local government chairman.
Run for president. The fact that you don’t stand
a chance does not matter. You will get all the
plaudits you need by the mere fact of running
for the office.
Declare your candidacy long before the election,
so you will have a long time to be interviewed on
the radio and television and to have specials
done about you in the newspapers. Enjoy the
limelight. Tell people that God appeared to you
in a dream and declared that you are the next
president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Don’t worry when this prophecy fails. People are
more interested in the declaration of a prophecy
than in its failure.
If it fails, you can keep running for election as
president every four years. That way, people will
realise that your prophecy is still on the way.
When the election results are announced, go on
television and declare that it was the worst
election in the history of Nigeria. Tell the people
the election was heavily rigged. Indeed, you have
never seen such a massively fraudulent election
in your entire life. Tell Nigerians you are the
people’s choice but not INEC’s choice.
Rent a small crowd and get them to riot. Let
them burn a few tyres. Appoint an unemployed
graduate to be their spokesman. When the
television cameras arrive, he should tell the
world you are the best president Nigeria has yet
to have. It does not matter if, at the end of the
day, you only obtained 17 votes in the entire
country. It does not matter if the only people
who voted for you are the members of your
immediate family. The fact is you ran for
president of Nigeria. That will become a
permanent part of your C.V. From then on, you
will always be referred to as “ex-presidential
candidate.”
As “ex-presidential candidate” you become
eligible to be the Minister of Agriculture. You also
become an expert on everything. You will be
invited regularly to “oraculate” on television
about vital national issues. Any time you want to
say something, preface it by saying: “In my
experience as a former presidential candidate of
this great country…” Then you can sponsor some
eggheads to write books in your name in which
you talk about “My Vision for Nigeria.”
Become a motivational preacher
Don’t take too long being a pastor. Within a year
or two, promote yourself to Bishop or
Archbishop. Don’t allow anybody to disrespect
you by calling you “Mister.” Tell them: “Call me
Reverend.” When you are introduced, you will be
referred to as “Your Grace.”
Every day, cram two or three big-sounding words
from the dictionary. Find ways to use them as
you preach. For example, words beginning with
“octo” are highfalutin. You can say: “the whole
thing is octogenarian.” Or you can say:
“Everything is octodilapidatory.” Don’t worry if
they cannot find your words in the dictionary. It
only means you have become more learned than
the dictionary. People will listen to your
messages and will not understand anything you
have said. Therefore, they will become convinced
you are making a lot of sense. The discussion will
be all about your English. Very soon, a university
in your village will give you an honorary
doctorate in the French language.
Your accent is also important. Don’t speak
English like an Ibadan man. Speak with the kind
of phonetics that even your mother will wonder
where you were born. Remember this: the
American accent is more nasal and more difficult
to understand than the British accent.
Therefore, it is more impressive. You don’t have
to go to the United States in order to talk like an
American. Just study a few Hollywood films and
start talking like Frank Sinatra.
Keep your eye on the ball. Remember: the
agenda is to be highly esteemed. So don’t bother
preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God. If
you do, you will be hated. Preach, instead the
prosperity gospel. Tell your church-members
that the poor will become rich, the unmarried
will get married, the barren will have children,
and the jobless will get jobs. Write books with
titles like: “Your Best Life Now.” Give people
seven strategies and five keys to instant wealth.
Tell them to get ready, there is going to be a
divine transfer of wealth every year from now
on. Tell them to give Jesus a wiper.
Get a local rap artist to come up with suitable
sound-bites. “Inch by inch it’s a cinch.” “Turn
your scars into stars.” That is it: you become the
flavour of the month. Very soon, you will be
flying your own motivational jet.
Be a success
It does not matter what you succeed at. Just
make sure you are successful and Nigerians will
esteem you. You can be an armed robber; as
long as you are successful, you will be esteemed.
You can be a drug-pusher. Just make sure you
are successful at it. Nobody cares how you make
your money. All they want to know is that you
have the money.
“Money answers all things.” So go to that
wedding and spray the bride in dollars and
euros. Go to your village and build a villa there.
Also sink a bore-hole, so people can come to
your house to fetch water. Everybody will love
you and sing your praises.
Nothing succeeds in Nigeria like success. Failure
is not an option. If you fail, your parents will
disown you. Your mother-in-law will abuse you.
Your wife will divorce you. Your fiancée will give
you back your engagement ring. Your children
will change their surname. Your friends will
delete your cell-phone number. The LASTMA
official will harass you on the road. Your
birthday will not be celebrated in the
newspapers. Your pastor will not remember your
name. So you better not fail otherwise you will
be dead, buried and forgotten.
Footnote
If you try any of these methods iand Nigerians
still don’t like you, then you are a lost cause.
There is only one option left for you. Pack your
load, buy a ticket and go to Ghana. You will not
be missed.
Thumbs-up to Ochuko Ukwade
